Oh, Duffel Blog, you’ve done it again!
Hollywood Planning Remake Of ‘Sands of Iwo Jima’
LOS ANGELES, CA — Paramount Pictures has confirmed rumors that it has begun pre-production on a remake of the John Wayne classic film, Sands of Iwo Jima. The 1949 film about U.S. Marines in World War II was nominated for four Academy Awards and is considered one of the greatest war movies of all time.
“We were going through our rolodex of old movies we planned to remake this year when it just jumped off the page at us,” said head writer Madhuri Vemulakonda.
“It’s got everything: the tough old veteran with the heart of gold, the cynical young kid who learns to take responsibility, the disgraced soldier who finds redemption, all set in the middle of this fictional war against an international terrorist group called JAPS. It’s like Battle: LA meets The Hurt Locker.”
While the cast has not been officially announced, studio executives confirmed they have scrapped earlier plans to cast either Alec Baldwin or Nicolas Cage in the lead role.
In what producers call “a sign of the changing times”, the John Wayne character will be replaced by a female Airman, who takes command of the Marine squad after they become confused and frightened by the sounds of combat. The studio is rumored to be considering either Rihanna or Miley Cyrus as Sergeant Jane Stryker.
The producers credit the idea to the U.S. Air Force, which is said to be heavily involved in writing the script.
“We also wanted John Wayne to have a cameo role,” Vemulakonda explained, ”like Leonard Nimoy in the new Star Trek films, but for some reason he won’t return our phone calls. I suppose we could always ask R. Lee Ermey, if he hadn’t already been typecast as that southern mayor in Mississippi Burning.”
The studio has also been mum about who their choice of director is, although Vemulakonda thinks the choice is obvious.
“Sands of Iwo Jima is as American as Jerry Bruckheimer on Flag Day, so I think it’s pretty clear we need to get Oliver Stone.”
Vemulakonda confirmed that he’s already written a scene where one of the Marines is dating a Japanese girl in an internment camp who also has family in Hiroshima, just so Stone can talk about all the injustices committed by the United States during the conflict.
Sources at The Hollywood Reporter also believe Chris Tucker may have a starring role as the unit’s sassy gay black commanding officer, a casting decision Vemulakonda says is necessary to ensure historical accuracy and “lighten the film up a bit.”
In a nod to the international market, Paramount also suggested there will be two alternate endings: the first is where the Japanese win the Battle of Iwo Jima, since market research has shown that Japanese moviegoers prefer films where they don’t lose the war.
Unfortunately, those films also play very badly in China, so there will be an additional ending where the Chinese somehow win the battle, despite their historical lack of participation. Paramount has also discussed completely replacing the Japanese with either North Koreans, space aliens, or giant robots.
“This definitely won’t be your grandfather’s Sands of Iwo Jima,” said Vemulakonda. The film, which has the working title, Semper Fi: A Soldier’s Story, will start shooting this fall.
Wait… this isn’t about Gitmo?
Guards’ Complaints About Spartacus
by Jack Handey July 22, 2013
“Spartacus said he had a secret to tell me, then burped loudly into my ear. I still have some ringing.”
“I noticed Spartacus sitting in his cell, writing. I asked him what he was writing, and he said poetry. I encouraged him, and the next day he showed me his poem. It was a vulgar, obscene poem about my mother. It didn’t even rhyme.”
“While I was guarding the master’s chariot, Spartacus asked if he could drive it, just around the courtyard. Against my better judgment, I said yes. Spartacus whipped the horses into a frenzy and crashed the chariot. Now, as punishment, I am to be crucified. When I told Spartacus, he just laughed.”
“As you know, I have a limp from my service in Gaul. Whenever I escort Spartacus someplace, he imitates my limp.”
“Spartacus is always spitting at me. When I went up to him and asked him to stop, he pretended to think for a second, then spat at me again.”
“I was praying at the shrine to the goddess Minerva when Spartacus tiptoed in and drew a phallus next to her head.”
“Spartacus has never once mentioned all the weight I have lost.”
“When I make my rounds at night, Spartacus pretends to be dead. As I approach closer, he suddenly opens his eyes wide. It scares the daylights out of me.”
“Right before he was to fight in the arena, Spartacus showed up drunk. He could barely stay on his feet. Old Marcellus stood up, grabbed a sword, and offered to fight in Spartacus’ place. Spartacus became confused and stabbed Old Marcellus.”
“I loaned Spartacus two hundred denarii, but when I asked him about it he said it was two hundred centarii. What?! It’s like a bad joke.”
“Maybe this is mean to say, but sometimes I wonder if the only thing Spartacus cares about is Spartacus.”
“Never let Spartacus see you cry.”
“Spartacus told me he had received a letter from his son. That’s good, I said. He looked embarrassed and said there was a problem: he couldn’t read. I offered to read the letter. I opened it and there was a drawing of me performing oral sex on a Cyclops, while being raped by another Cyclops. I hate to admit it, but Spartacus is actually a pretty good artist.”
“I have nightmares about Spartacus.”
“Someone left the front gate open, and Spartacus escaped. The gate is still open. Unless it is locked shut, Spartacus may return.”